How To Bankrupt Yourself With Synthesizers
Post date:Fri, 04/19/2019 - 16:17
If you are a synthesizer enthusiast with a collection of instruments, then the chances are good that you have been told how your hobby is a waste of money. Whether it is spouses, family members or even friends, it is hard to explain to those outside of the hobby why you spend as much time and money on what many see as dusty relics from the past. Chances are you have had to bite your tongue when someone told you that a brand new MIDI controller is much cheaper than that Elka Synthex that you have been coveting or that you are better off throwing away all those old hardware in your studio and replacing them with a computer. There are also innumerable articles already available on how to sensibly spend your money when it comes to synthesizers. Well, if you had enough and would rather go out in a financial blaze of glory, then join us as we look at the most efficient ways to bankrupt yourself with synthesizers!
Step 01: Buy the Most Expensive Vintage Synthesizer that you can Find.
The fastest way to bankrupt yourself with synthesizers is also the easiest one as all you have to do is to buy the most expensive vintage synths that you can find. Thanks to all of the online listings available these days, it shouldn't take too long to track down a few synths that will very quickly drain your bank balance. Obviously, you should aim to get as many old and rare synths as possible, especially if they are very fragile and close to breaking. If this is not possible, there are also plenty of modern synths that are still in production and easier to track down. Just add an Emerson Moog Modular System, Moog System 55, Buchla Skylab or Moog Model 15 to your collection and watch as your finances go up in flames. You get bonus points if your synths are so expensive that you feel uncomfortable and guilty every time you look at them without using them.
Step 02: Buy As Many Vintage Synths As You Can Find
Once you have broken the ice by buying a vintage synthesizer or two, it is time to keep going until you run out of space for them in your home or studio. If the rest of your family begins to voice concerns about synthesizers taking up all the available space in your house, just rent a storage unit.
Step 03: Treat Your Better Half To Gifts In Order to Soothe Your Conscience
At some point you might find yourself experiencing guilt and anxiety when looking at your vast collection of vintage synthesizers. Don't worry, this is completely normal and can be overcome by buying your better half some expensive flowers or jewelry to ease your guilt and let them know that they are still your number two priority in life. Remember, the more expensive your synths are, the more expensive the gifts for your partner must be in order to compensate for this.
Step 04: Buy the Most Expensive Camera You Can Find
Next up, you need to buy the most expensive camera that you can find. This is because you will want to take the best possible photos of your very expensive vintage synthesizer collection in order to post these snaps on Instagram or Reddit or the VSE forums for others to admire. The days of actually playing on your synthesizer and sharing these recordings with other enthusiasts have been replaced with sharing artistic shots of your gear. This should preferably be done with a cat in the photo, so if you don't have one, invest in the most expensive cat you can find too. Our research indicates that the Ashera is the most expensive cat breed in the world, so one of them would be perfect.
Step 05: Travel To Every Synth Convention In The World
If you have any money left, you can easily get rid of it by traveling to all of the synth conventions and shows that take place all over the world. Finding affordable accommodation for these events can be close to impossible, so just splash out and treat yourself to the most lavish hotel that you can find. While you are at the conventions, don't forget to stock up on lots of synth related merchandise. You can also prepare yourself for these conventions by buying your synth merchandise online beforehand. Just look around and you'll find brands like Moog have online stores filled with clothing and merch (https://www.moogmusic.com/synthesizers?type=67).
Step 06: Don't Forget About Softsynths
Eventually you are going to reach a point where you don't have any space left in your house and storage unit for another synthesizer. Don't worry, as you can continue your collection by buying softsynths. Although these are not as expensive as hardware synths and they don't come with the same bragging rights, there are tons of them and buying as many as you can will quickly burn a hole in your finances. Of course, it goes without saying that you will need to buy the most expensive computer or laptop along with studio grade monitors to fully appreciate these softsynths. Unfortunately, you can't take photos of your software synths, but you can waste your time arguing with other synth fans online about the authenticity of certain softsynths.
Remember, the only non-renewable resource that you have at your disposal is time, so if you actually manage to buy every single synthesizer that you ever wanted before you die, it just means that you haven't been dreaming big enough!
Disclaimer: This article is obviously meant as satire and neither the author or Vintage Synth Explorer accept any responsibility if anyone actually manages to bankrupt themselves with the advice provided here! However, if anyone is crazy enough to attempt it, feel free to share the photos and tips with the rest of our readers.